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[31 Mar 2004|12:47pm] |
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i am saddened to say that i will not be at fils party. i have to work.
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| trying to let it all go. |
[31 Mar 2004|01:41am] |
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mood |
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 utterly confused |
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music |
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none |
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i think i've had a break through in the whole dealing with shit. i have a problem with sharing my feelings if not asked about them directly. i need to work on this.
i thought i was getting better but i'm not. i need to deal with shit. i don't even know why it still bothers me. it does. it was the first time i held in how i felt. i held it in from my family, the kids at school, and the weird lady they made me talk to in the office. i lied to everybody and said i was fine but i wasn't. i didn't wanna talk about it cause i didn't understand. what my parents and my teacher at school told me was different then what the kids were saying. i didn't understand why it would happen. i pushed it back in my mind. i would still make comments when as growing up kids would bring it up. they were always making fun of it. it wasn't funny. it still isn't.
on friday in vegas we were leaving jillians after deciding not to go to the show. on the way to the stairs of the parking garage we passed a tall man about 6'3'' white slender brown thining hair between the ages of 40-50, wearing light naturally looking faded jeans long sleeve plain shirt all the buttons buttoned but the top two. thats how he wore them too. it was him. i didn't ask if anybody else saw him. his picture is so vivid in my mind that i don't know if i imaged him walking towards us and then past with out even a glance in my direction or if it was really him or if it was just a man.
guys if you saw him or remember him please let me know. i don't know if this is what tipped me off this weekend but it would make since in my mind.
i vivid reminder that i don't know what to think or feel.
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[31 Mar 2004|12:37am] |
so friday night i got a call from lauren informing me she talked to ____ at work. well its offical he likes me more than a friend. so the question now is will i date him. the answer, no. i am getting/going to get a lot of shit for that from a lot of people. i have been asking myself since friday night if its worth it. it is. i don't wanna date. i like him, yes, but date him, no. the first person i date i wanna marry. ideally thats what i want. if it doesn't happen i'm not going to be dissappointed but happy for the adventure.
for the last three days i have felt like i wanna cry. i almost did on saturday night about a couple shots.
i feel like an outsider among my own friends.
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[26 Mar 2004|01:29am] |
i know what my problem is
i'm searching for a fantacy.
movies had made it seem like that is the way it can be. but can it really be like that?
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[25 Mar 2004|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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 blasted confused |
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music |
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Ima robot |
] |
as i sit in my room i wonder. wonder if as erica is right. is there not "the one" out there? should i just settle?
i went to the movies tonight with ryan and sean. it was great. after the movie ryan sean and i were talking. see somehow the convo always turns to ____. i don't know why i don't date him. i don't know if he even wants to date me. he doesn't fit my mold at all. i don't think we even have anything in common yet hes in my thoughts....alot.
i have showed him to friends. i don't know why what they think matters so much. but none of them think he is my type. i just don't know.
i don't wanna date him. i don't, i don't. then why do i always bring him up. i'm obsessed with him just not dating him. ryan likes to tease me and say i love him. i don't. i'm so confused.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
on a lighter note. i got my nails done today. they are hot. well i think so. sorry they aren't four inch black ladies nails ryan. i got a new jacket, sunglasses. some hot potta dotted boy short undies from vicky sercets, two tank tops from i don' remember the store name.
today was a good day. feeling better. i don't think i'm going to school tomorrow. i have way to much shit to get done before i leave for vegas. i have to clean CLEAN my whole room. if you have seen my desk lately you will know that this might take me all day.
blast. i need to go to school, work, clean, the bank, and i have so much shit to do and NO time.
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| why can't it all work out the way i want it too |
[24 Mar 2004|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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i'm just going to start writing and see what comes out. well this is my day today. i get all ready for school and thought that i looked very cute. see today i was going to meet one of my good guy friends new girlfriend. well on my way to school i didn't feel good. so i turned around then i was feeling better so i turned back around. that happened like four times till i got off the 57 freeway at orangethorpe driving along and went into jack in the box and got sick in their restroom. what a wonderful start to the day. so i came home and felt like crap again. i got two sick two more times so far today. i slept alot and watched sweet home alabama a lot....i mean ALOT.
i don't like being sick. it makes me sad and lonely. and today i was completely alone. my dad was at work all day, my mom is out of town, and everybody was at school or work. i feel so alone. today i just wanted somebody here to sit with me. watch movies with me. play with my hair. i just wanted somebody here to care. i don't know. i'm kinda confused.
i think my problem with guys is that i have it all planned out what i want. so if there is somebody that i'm attracted to i'm not going to do anything if they don't fit my mold that i have all planned out.
i'm sick and bitter about life.
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[23 Mar 2004|11:50pm] |
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shit i really think that i am a bad friend. i don't call people. i don't write people. i suck
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[23 Mar 2004|11:43pm] |
Monday
April 15, 2004 |
Breakthru Entertainment Presents:
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Manhattan Skyline, Fernando V, Never Again, Under The Radar, Amazing Transparent Man, Split Habit |
indie rock |
$8 at the door.
Tickets available at Tickmaster.
Show starts at 7:30 and ends at 11:30. |
split habit is wonderful.
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[23 Mar 2004|10:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 less stressed |
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| [ |
music |
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watching sweet home alabama- thanks stephy |
] |
so i hung out with wendy and stephy tonight. it was fun. i got new things.
( new things )
bored at work there other day
( this is the out come )
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[23 Mar 2004|01:23am] |
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its done
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[23 Mar 2004|12:03am] |
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no effort.
need to sleep.
i think its time
night
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[21 Mar 2004|06:49pm] |
Took from Anthony.
TO PLAY I NEVER. PUT AN (x) IN FRONT OF THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE
AND A (_) ON THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE AT LEAST ONCE. ADD AN "I NEVER" OF YOUR OWN
I NEVER:
(_) HAVE BEEN DRUNK
(_) HAVE SMOKED POT
(_) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(x) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(x) CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(x) HAVE BEEN TO JAPAN
(_) RODE IN A TAXI
(x) HAD ANAL SEX
(-) HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(x) HAD SEX
(x) HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(x) HAVE BEEN DUMPED
(_) SHOPLIFTED
(x) HAVE BEEN FIRED
(_) HAVE BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(x) HAD A THREESOME
(x) SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(_) HAVE BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(x) HAVE BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(_) PISSED ON MYSELF
(x) HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(x) HAVE BEEN ARRESTED
(_) MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(_) STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(x) CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE
(_) WENT ON A BLIND DATE
(_) LIED TO A FRIEND
(_) HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(x) CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(x) HAVE BEEN TO EUROPE
(_) SKIPPED SCHOOL
(x) SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(x) CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(x) HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
(x) HAVE BEEN MARRIED
(x) HAVE BEEN DIVORCED
(x) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN THE SAME WEEK
(x) HAVE POSED NUDE
(x) GOT SOMEONE DRUNK JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM
(_) WALKED IN ON PEOPLE HAVING SEX
(x) TRIED BEASTIALITY
(x) HAVE HAD SOMEONE CUM IN MY MOUTH.
(x) USED A DILDO
(_) DISOWNED ANY OF MY FRIENDS
(x) SLEPT WITH A TEACHER
(x) HAD SEX IN WATER
(x) HAVE BEEN OVERSEAS
(x) HAD A TATTOO
(X) DRAWN SOMEONE IN THE NUDE
(x) FLASHED A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE MY PENIS
(_) FLASHED A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WITH MY BOOBS
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[20 Mar 2004|10:15pm] |
you are deeppink
#FF1493 |
Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing.
Your saturation level is high - you get into life and have a strong personality. Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you - either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you. You are very hard working and don't have much patience for people without your initiative.
Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.
| | the spacefem.com html color quiz |
do you think this is me?
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[20 Mar 2004|06:17am] |
last night was a lot of fun. jenna and stephy came and stole me from my house. it was great cause i think it was the first time that i have ever had friends just randomly show up. well my friend erik did one time but it didn't count cause i knew he was coming cause somebody told me.
we went to target, i bought a new workshirt so that i didn't have to wash my cloths. i'm so freakin lame, its great.
then we went to borders and i'm very bitter that they didn't have any ANY books on buddy holly. grrrr. ass holes.
then i came home and looked for my cell phone. which might i add i left is stephys car. i think its great cause thats how our whole friendship started oh jan. 1st 2003. memories.
so if you need me IM me or call my house phone. but if i'm on line calling my house phone won't do you any good. :)
i'll get my phone back on saturday night when i hang out with stephy and SHEEP. woo hoo.
gotta go to work now. later
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[19 Mar 2004|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
so i talked to my sister on line tonight. her and my mom went to look at wedding dresses. in new zealand you are aloud to take picture there so here is what she wants her dress to look like.
( hot )
i get to hang out with sheep in two days...(saturday) so i'm flipping excited, i think i might wet myself.
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| for matt |
[19 Mar 2004|06:43am] |
"Sloop John B"
New Executive Music BMI
traditional (arranged by Brian Wilson)
We come on the sloop John B
My grandfather and me
Around Nassau town we did roam
Drinking all night
Got into a fight
Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home
So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up
I wanna go home
The first mate he got drunk
And broke in the Cap'n's trunk
The constable had to come and take him away
Sheriff John Stone
Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home
So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why don't you let me go home
(Hoist up the John B's sail)
Hoist up the John B
I feel so broke up I wanna go home
Let me go home
The poor cook he caught the fits
And threw away all my grits
And then he took and he ate up all of my corn
Let me go home
Why don't they let me go home
This is the worst trip I've ever been on
So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why don't you let me go home
what do you think its about?
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